Using Reason to Handle Difficult People
Using Reason to Handle Difficult People
There is always a lot of interest in the subject of "how to handle difficult people".
It seems there must be a lot of difficult people out there, since people attend courses all the time on how to handle them.
It is interesting to note that all the people who attend the Handling Difficult People course, are never the difficult ones. The difficult people are always "the others".
My delegates often say, "My job would be fine if it wasn't for the others!" Difficult people may be defined as "all those people who don't see things my way".
You'll find that the people who are the most difficult, are the people who are least like you.
If the other person shares all the same ideas as you, then you find them to be easy. And to the degree that they do NOT share the same ideas as you, then they are difficult.
For example: If you are devoutly religious and he is a staunch atheist; if you are a socialist and he believes in capitalism; if you like modern art and he thinks it is trash; if you like modern music and he prefers Mozart; if you believe in keeping foreigners out of the country and he believes that immigration is fantastic for the economy. If you think that new technology is threatening jobs and he thinks new technology creates many more new jobs; if you think the future looks bleak and he thinks the future looks bright; if you think we should stop spending and he thinks we should invest all we can in robotics; if you are a vegetarian and he eats meat by the tonne; If you are an environmentalist and he likes to go fox hunting - then it is a sure bet that you two people would find each other difficult.
People who are very different from us are apparently, difficult. We prefer to be with people who are like ourselves. Birds of a feather, flock together.
But, in a sense we are all unique. There is nobody on the planet exactly like you. Even genetic twins have differences.
Psychologists, sociologist's politicians and others, love to break people into sets. There are many ways that we break people into sets:
- Man v woman.
- Native v foreigner.
- East v west.
- Young v old.
- Muslim v infidel.
- Catholic v protestant.
- Manchester United v Manchester City.
- North v south.
- Black v white.
All of these distinctions make the other side seem to be a different tribe to us and to that degree, difficult.
Is there a way to bind us together rather than create ideological wedges that drive us apart? Yes.
The thing that binds us is the fact that we are all humans; and that humans have the faculty of reason.
Reason as the binding thread that can hold us together
Mankind is the rational animal. Reason is mankind's means of survival. Humans all share a single and unique trait. We are all capable of rational thought. If you can read this you are a rational animal.
To quote Ayn Rand:
"Man's essential characteristic is his rational faculty. Man's mind is his basic means of survival - his only means of gaining knowledge... Man's mind allows long-range planning and thinking. It enables such long-range planning as required for farming, hunting, and tool making. These endeavours require the ability to conceptualize long-term cause and effect chains. "I need to make a spear tonight so I can hunt tomorrow and have food for the next 7 days."
To the extent that you use reason as your method of judgement in knowledge and action, you will survive and flourish. To the extent that you ignore or evade reality, you will suffer and die.
It is very important to note that survival by reason requires the freedom to act according to your reason. This is why men do not thrive under coercion, and cannot survive when they are subject to the initiation of force by others."
Treat everyone you meet reasonably
Despite the differences that exist between people - and despite the difficulties that these differences create - there is a common bond upon which we can all agree: reason.
I have found that if you wish to get on with difficult people, then appeal to their sense of reason. Treat all problems, and treat all people according to the principles of reason.
Assume the other person is a rational being
- Always try to explain your thoughts in a logical manner.
- Don't use threats and don't use your intensity of emotion to try to persuade others. They will only increase their intensity of emotion to persuade you back!
- Make an appeal to the facts and make a logical evaluation of the facts.
Never treat people unreasonably
- Don't make unreasonable demands. Don't give unreasonable deadlines.
- Don't speak to people as if you think they are stupid or foolish.
Always treat people as if they are, primarily, intellects of the first order
I find that if you look into their eyes and speak to the person's rational mind, his/her INTELLECT, and ignore the fact that the other person may by different to you in other ways, then you can make good progress with 99% of the population.
If the other person has lost his mind, or is drunk, or is on drugs, or is insane, (which amounts to the same thing, since they all mean the loss of the rational mind) then I move away from this person and don't deal with him or her.
Treat people as if they were primarily rational intellects of the first order.
This is how you can be a non-difficult person and how you can best handle so-called difficult people.
Conflict Management Training
Conflict is inevitable, because people disagree. Therefore, you must be able to handle conflict situations effectively. You must know how to be assertive, clear and professional (not emotional, upset and angry) whilst in conflict. If you want to learn more on how to achieve this, please click here to see our conflict management training.
Definition: Reason-based conflict resolution
Reason-based conflict resolution is a workplace method that ends clashes through facts and logic alone. It keeps talk on the issue, searches for ideas both sides can accept, and uses calm words with no threats or force. It also guards each person’s right to think and act on reason, so respect stays strong.
Show CG4D Definition
- Relies on facts and clear logic, not emotion
- Keeps focus on the issue and seeks shared understanding
- Uses calm speech and fair limits, rejects threats or force
- Protects each person’s freedom to think and act on reason
Article Summary
Drop the labels and speak to the mind we all share: reason. Use clear facts, fair limits and calm logic; avoid threats, blame or rush, and most clashes shift from fight to joint problem-solving. If reason leaves the room, step away.
Frequently Asked Questions
Here are some questions that frequently get asked about this topic during our training sessions.
Why do some people feel harder to work with than others?
How does reason reduce conflict?
What is the first step to speak logically with a difficult colleague?
Which behaviours make conflict worse?
When should I walk away from a dispute?
How can I set fair limits during a heated talk?
Does emotion have any place in reason-led conflict resolution?
Thought of something that's not been answered? Ask Us Today!
Did You Know: Key Statistics
Acas 2021 study found that 9.7 million UK employees experienced workplace conflict during the previous year, costing organisations an estimated £28.5 billion in staff time, absence and turnover. LinkedIn Learning Workplace Learning Report 2024 shows that 68% of L&D leaders plan to increase investment in communication and interpersonal skills this year, making it the top skill priority.About the Author: Chris Farmer
Chris Farmer is the founder of the Corporate Coach Group and has many years' experience in training leaders and managers, in both the public and private sectors, to achieve their organisational goals, especially during tough economic times. He is also well aware of the disciplines and problems associated with running a business.
Over the years, Chris has designed and delivered thousands of training programmes and has coached and motivated many management teams, groups and individuals. His training programmes are both structured and clear, designed to help delegates organise their thinking and, wherever necessary, to improve their techniques and skills.
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Further Reading in Conflict Management and Handling Difficult People
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Conflict Resolution Training - How to Manage Conflict
Conflict resolution training helps staff replace anger with facts, choose worthy battles and keep core principles. Learn rational skills to manage conflict.
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How to handle workplace conflict
Learn how to handle workplace conflict with calm talk, exact facts and positive action. Follow clear steps to avoid misunderstandings and resolve issues fast.
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How to Deal With Difficult Employees
Learn how to handle difficult employees through a fair six-step plan that names behaviour, seeks commitment, and cuts workplace conflict and lifts results.
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How to Handle a Complaint
Learn how to handle complaints with a six-step method: listen, empathise, question, answer, confirm and redirect. Boost service quality and retain customers.
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Is the Karpman Drama Triangle Good for Resolving Conflicts?
Discover why the Karpman Drama Triangle fails and how a clear, rational, positive approach creates faster, fairer conflict management that benefits every side.
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