Don't you Trust Me?
Handling difficult people: "Don't you trust me?"
Last week a female delegate on my course asked me a good question relating to the issue of trust.
She said, "Can I ask you a question related to trust? I don't know how to handle the situation when my daughter, or anyone else, uses the concept of trust to ask for an unearned concession. For example, last week my 13 year old daughter said to me "Can I stay over at my boyfriend's house tonight?" I said "No. I am not comfortable with that." She said "Why not? Don't you trust me?"
I realised that I had boxed myself in. I could not say "No, I don't trust you." But if I said "Yes I do trust you" that answer would lead to giving a concession that I did not want to give.
Can you help me with this issue: when people ask me "Why not? Don't you trust me?"
I said "Yes. I can help you...
The trick is to separate the concept of "trust" from the concept of "faith"
- Trust is belief based on the evidence of the senses and /or on a rational theory, ie belief based on track record and the observed facts.
- Faith is belief in the absence of conclusive evidence or in the absence of a logical rational theory.
When you feel uncomfortable about your 13 year old daughter staying at her boyfriend's house, the fear is based on the fact that she is 13, that you don't know the setup at the boyfriend's house and the rational theory that there may be some undesirable (from your perspective) activity being planned.
- Trust is belief based on evidence.
- Faith is belief in the absence of hard evidence.
Your daughter is asking not for Trust, but for Faith.
She wants you to give her the concession on a belief that all will be platonic (non sexual).
This belief is, in turn, based on insufficient evidence:
The way to verbalise this is to NOT have this an issue of trust or faith, but rather one of logic.
Take the concept of trust off the table and replace it with facts.
Make the difficult situation an issue of evidence and logic, not trust.
When she says "Why not? Don't you trust me?"
Say this "It is not an issue of trust, it is an issue of logic and of facts:
- The fact is that you are only 13 years old.
- The fact is I don't know the set-up at your boyfriend's house.
- The fact is that I am responsible for your safety until you are aged 18.
So unless you can provide me with more information, the fact is, that you are not stopping over at your boyfriend's house".
I go by the logic of the situation and there is not enough evidence to believe that what you say will happen, will actually happen.
I make my judgements only based on the evidence and by logical principles:
- Trust is belief based on hard evidence.
- Faith is belief in the absence of hard evidence.
Don't mix up these two concepts.
Don't ask people to put their faith in you! (Faith is reserved for the Gods)
As a mere mortal, work to build up a mutual trust, based upon evidence of your deeds and good track record.
For more information about handling difficult people and situations training visit the Corporate Coach Group website.
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Definition: Trust
Trust, in conflict management, is a belief grounded in hard evidence. It rests on proven facts and past record, grows through repeated reliable deeds, adjusts when new proof appears, and allows safe, limited risk between people. Without all four parts, the feeling is not trust but something else.
Show CG4D Definition
- Built on clear facts and past record
- Changes when new evidence appears
- Earned through steady, reliable actions
- Lets people take measured risk together
Article Summary
When someone tests you with ‘Don’t you trust me?’, take trust off the table and bring in facts; explain that real trust grows from clear evidence, not blind faith, then set your limit based on logic, safety and proven track record.
Frequently Asked Questions
Here are some questions that frequently get asked about this topic during our training sessions.
What is the main difference between trust and faith?
How should I reply when a teen asks 'Don't you trust me?'
Why use facts, not feelings, when setting a limit?
Which facts help refuse a 13-year-old sleepover request?
Can I use the same logic with a work colleague?
How do I build real trust over time?
Will a firm no harm our bond long term?
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Did You Know: Key Statistics
The 2024 Edelman Trust Barometer shows 61% of adults now say they only trust information that is backed by clear evidence, up from 55% in 2020. A 2023 Pew Research Center survey found 68% of parents of 13–17-year-olds have declined a teen’s sleep-over request because they lacked enough facts about the host household.About the Author: Chris Farmer
Chris Farmer is the founder of the Corporate Coach Group and has many years' experience in training leaders and managers, in both the public and private sectors, to achieve their organisational goals, especially during tough economic times. He is also well aware of the disciplines and problems associated with running a business.
Over the years, Chris has designed and delivered thousands of training programmes and has coached and motivated many management teams, groups and individuals. His training programmes are both structured and clear, designed to help delegates organise their thinking and, wherever necessary, to improve their techniques and skills.
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