Established, since 1997, leading UK based training provider.
Celebrating 25 years in business! CPD Member - The CPD Certification Service ilm Recognised Provider

How to Gain Emotional Intelligence

How to Gain Emotional Intelligence

How to Gain Emotional Intelligence

“Emotional intelligence is not about soft feelings; it is a hard skill that lets you turn thought into clear action.” - Chris Farmer, lead trainer

In order to manage emotions, the first thing to do is to understand what emotions are and where they come from.

Emotions are an automatic response, NOT to a set of facts, but rather to the (subconscious) evaluative meanings and associations that have been attached to that set of facts, by the observer. For example:

  1. If a person associates "crashing and burning" to aeroplanes, then that person would be afraid of flying.
  2. If a person associates "freedom and fun" to aeroplanes, then that person would feel good about flying.

Whenever we change the evaluative meanings and associations that we link to an event, then we also change our emotional responses to it.

Evaluative Meanings and Associations.

Often the evaluative meaning and associations are in the form of Universal Laws and Metaphorical images.

  • Universal laws are unconditional statements of belief such as: "Everything happens for a reason."
  • Metaphorical images: are mental pictures that we use to understand complex situations. "Every gym workout is another brick in the wall, another step up the ladder".

The above examples are positive in nature.

But it is common for people to hold negative universal beliefs and negative metaphorical imagery in their minds, and to not even be aware of it.

For example, last week, after an argument with a close friend, I heard a person say:

  • "You can't trust anyone. Not even your friends!" (a negative Universal law).
  • "What he said to me, felt like a real punch in the guts" (a negative Metaphorical Image).

Can you see how disempowering these words and images are? Such thoughts and images would cause the mind to create a host of negative emotions, which would affect a person's peace of mind.

Whenever people allow these kinds of ideas and images into their minds, they immediately take root, like weeds, which then multiply and continue to produce more of the same.

Grow Flowers Not Weeds.

Weeds originate from weed seeds. If you chop the head off a thought-weed, it immediately grows back another head.

It cannot be destroyed by ignoring it. It cannot be destroyed by chopping away at its leaves.

You have to dig out the root and replace it with the seed of a flower.

The flower seed is a new universal law or metaphorical image, which would then be used to re-evaluate the original set of facts.

You can't get rid of negative emotions with will-power.

Many people who feel negative about a past event, often try to deal with their feelings by suppressing or evading them.

They say to themselves: "I shouldn't feel this way and I don't want to feel this way. Therefore, I will suppress my negative feelings and I will distract myself with alcohol, TV, food or whatever".

They try to bury or repress their feelings, by denying them.

But suppression of negative emotions is ultimately NOT possible, and it is a mistake even to try.

Why? Because if a person tries to cut themselves off from their own feelings, if they try to become insensitive even to their own emotions, then they do not learn to understand themselves. They strive NOT to associate themselves with their own emotions, which is the opposite of emotional intelligence.

Disassociation leads to poor mental health.

We need to gain emotional intelligence, not lose it!

In our particular current case, we might reframe the situation by saying:

My friends are operating their lives according to a mental "operating system". They are running on unconscious mental programmes that they have picked up, uncritically from politicians, Facebook, YouTube and the media. Consequently, they are evaluating things in a way that disempowers both themselves and me.

I will "cut them some slack", since everyone is doing the best they can with the programming they have.

I will strive to understand them even if I don't agree with them.

I will feel empathy and compassion for them. BUT I will not let their words upset me, because I will always remain:

  1. Clear (regarding my identification of the facts).
  2. Rational (in regard to my logical evaluation of all the available evidence).
  3. Positive (with regard to my feeling strong, focused, self-confident and optimistic).

"Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood." Marie Curie

Definition: Emotional intelligence

In business, emotional intelligence is the skill of noticing your own feelings, naming them clearly, sensing other people's feelings and using all that insight to take steady, fair and useful action. If you miss any of those four parts, you no longer display emotional intelligence.

Show CG4D Definition
Context: Business
Genus: skill
Differentia:
  • Requires real-time awareness of one’s own emotions
  • Demands clear and accurate naming of those emotions
  • Includes recognising and empathising with others’ emotions
  • Uses that insight to guide calm, fair and effective action

Article Summary

Emotional intelligence starts when you see that feelings rise from the story you give events; replace a harmful story with a helpful one and you stop hiding emotions, think clearly, act with purpose and show calm care for others.

Frequently Asked Questions

Here are some questions that frequently get asked about this topic during our training sessions.


Thought of something that's not been answered? Ask Us Today!

Did You Know: Key Statistics

LinkedIn Global Talent Trends 2024 shows UK job ads that ask for emotional intelligence rose by 34% compared with 2023. Mind’s Workplace Wellbeing Index 2024 found teams given emotional intelligence training lost 28% fewer working days to stress than teams without the training.

About the Author: Chris Farmer

Chris

Chris Farmer is the founder of the Corporate Coach Group and has many years' experience in training leaders and managers, in both the public and private sectors, to achieve their organisational goals, especially during tough economic times. He is also well aware of the disciplines and problems associated with running a business.

Over the years, Chris has designed and delivered thousands of training programmes and has coached and motivated many management teams, groups and individuals. His training programmes are both structured and clear, designed to help delegates organise their thinking and, wherever necessary, to improve their techniques and skills.

Blogs by Email

Do you want to receive an email whenever we post a new blog? The blogs contain article 5-10 minutes long - ideal for reading during your coffee break!

Further Reading in Positive Thinking

  • How to Deal With Covid Lockdown Emotions
    Shift lockdown emotions from powerless to powerful with simple covid anxiety tips. Build personal power, boost mental well being and thrive during restrictions.
    Read Article >
  • Reducing Fear and Replacing it with Confidence
    Learn 10 simple actions to overcome fear, build confidence and reduce anxiety. Control thoughts, set SMART goals and adopt healthy habits for personal growth.
    Read Article >
  • The Importance of Resilience in Modern Life
    Explore resilience skills that turn stress into progress. Understand neuroplasticity, manage intensity and gain workplace tips for steady emotional well-being.
    Read Article >
  • Emotional Resilience; How to quickly recover from defeat and disappointment
    Build emotional resilience in six steps: accept feelings, set limits, analyse loss, set goals, write plans, and adopt rational optimism to bounce back fast.
    Read Article >
  • Happiness is a State of Mind
    Learn how a happiness mindset forms when you focus on goals, present joys and an optimistic future. Simple thought shifts raise life satisfaction. Start today.
    Read Article >

Looking for Leadership and Management Training?

If you're looking to develop your Positive Thinking Skills, you may find this Leadership and Management Training Course beneficial:

Open Training Course Pricing and Availability

9 - 10 September
Birmingham
£900 +VAT
15 - 16 September
Online - Teams
£900 +VAT
17 - 18 September
Gloucester (M5 J11)
£900 +VAT
30 Sep - 1 Oct
London - Central
£900 +VAT
More dates and locations available
Save £100 on this course

Next Open Course Starts in 6 days, Birmingham, places available Book Now >