How to Deal With a Bully At Work
How to deal with a bully
1. Recognise that bullies rely on subservient behaviour from their victims.
2. Decide to stand up to the bully by naming their behaviour explicitly.
3. Tell them that, if they want to talk to you, then they must talk to you properly.
4. Tell them that if they continue to talk to you badly, you will report the matter.
5. Do NOT tell a bully how they make you feel ie intimidated, upset or frightened.
6. Look at the bully directly in the eye and hold their gaze resolutely when talking to them.
7. Keep your voice volume slightly louder than your normal, but don't shout.
1. Recognise that a bully relies on subservient behaviour from their victims.
Bullies rely on the fact their victims play a subservient role. As soon as you choose to deny them a subservient response, the bully is vulnerable to defeat.
The first step to defeating the bully is to REFUSE to give a subservient, or compliant response.
2. Decide to stand up to the bully by naming their behaviour explicitly.
The next step to defeat the bully is to overtly NAME the behaviour. If they are swearing at you, say, "You are swearing at me". If they are pointing at you, say "You are pointing and swearing at me".
Make the behaviour explicit by naming it exactly.
3. Tell them that, if they want to talk to you, then they must talk to you properly.
Give the bully the choice, if they want to talk to you then they MUST talk to you properly. If they wont talk to you properly then the conversation is over.
OR you might:
4. Tell them that if they continue to talk to you badly, you will take the matter to the authorities.
Tell the bully that if they continue to talk to you improperly then you will report their behaviour to the relevant authority (a manager, police, trade union etc).
Imply that they will gain a painful consequence for any continued bullying.
5. Do NOT tell them how they make you feel
Do not tell the bully that they make you feel upset or intimidated. That is POSITIVE feedback for the bully, which will embolden them and encourage them to continue the bullying.
You must not show the bully that their tactic is working.
6. As you talk, look at them directly into their right-eye and hold their gaze resolutely.
As you talk, make direct eye contact with the bully. Keep looking directly into their right-eye and hold your gaze steadily, as you speak. This is important.
Many bullied people signal submissiveness by a lowered gaze and a refusal to make eye contact. If you want to be more assertive, then learn to hold eye contact for extended periods of time. This will make you feel stronger. The bully will be forced to reassess you as having a stronger personality than they originally thought.
7. Keep your voice volume slightly louder than your normal level, but don't shout.
Raise your voice volume from "Normal", to "Slightly louder than Normal". This is another way to demonstrate assertiveness and to deny the bully a submissive response. Don't shout. Just pump up the volume a little bit.
Combined with direct eye contact and explicit language, you will seem to be a more formidable personality and the bully will have met his Waterloo with you!
Definition: assertive communication
In workplace conflict, assertive communication is a straight yet polite way of speaking. It states your needs in clear words, respects both you and the other person, shows calm strength through steady eye contact and a level voice, and sets fair limits with next steps. If any part is missing, it is no longer assertive.
Show CG4D Definition
- Expresses own needs and facts in clear, direct language
- Shows equal respect for speaker and listener, with no blame
- Uses calm, steady voice and eye contact to signal confidence
- Sets firm limits and states consequences while inviting dialogue
Article Summary
When you deal with a bully at work, power shifts the moment you stop acting submissive: hold steady eye contact, name the bad behaviour, demand respect, speak a little louder, keep your feelings to yourself, set clear consequences and, if needed, report them-seven firm moves that turn fear into control.
Frequently Asked Questions
Here are some questions that frequently get asked about this topic during our training sessions.
What is the first thing to do when a colleague bullies me?
Why should I avoid telling a bully that I feel upset?
How does naming bullying behaviour help stop it?
What is the right way to use eye contact with a workplace bully?
How loud should my voice be when I stand up to bullying?
When should I report bullying to a manager or HR?
Can assertive communication work if the bully is my boss?
Thought of something that's not been answered? Ask Us Today!
Did You Know: Key Statistics
CIPD’s 2023 Health and Wellbeing at Work survey finds that 15% of UK workers say they faced bullying or harassment in the previous year. ACAS reported in 2022 that calls about workplace bullying rose by 20% compared with 2020 levels.About the Author: Chris Farmer
Chris Farmer is the founder of the Corporate Coach Group and has many years' experience in training leaders and managers, in both the public and private sectors, to achieve their organisational goals, especially during tough economic times. He is also well aware of the disciplines and problems associated with running a business.
Over the years, Chris has designed and delivered thousands of training programmes and has coached and motivated many management teams, groups and individuals. His training programmes are both structured and clear, designed to help delegates organise their thinking and, wherever necessary, to improve their techniques and skills.
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