Fixing Bad Relationships At Work
Fixing Bad Relationships at Work
Yesterday, I was at lunch with a friend called John, who told me that everything in his life was good, except work.
I asked him what he meant, and he replied, "I can't get on at work because I keep coming up against barriers; I've got barriers from my bosses who won't let me progress, and I've got barriers with my team who don't listen to me. It makes me really angry and frustrated, and I don't know what's wrong with them."
I said, "It's interesting that you say you don't know what's wrong with them; it could be that it's you that's creating the barriers."
John looked surprised and said, "What do you mean?"
I said, "John, I've known you a long time and I listen to the way you speak; and three of your favourite words are angry, frustrated, and stressed, all of which are negative emotions.
In order to be successful in any business, you need three qualities and you have only two of them. You are missing the third."
"What are the qualities I need, and which one am I missing?" John asked
I replied "The three qualities you need are clarity, rationality, and positivity. You have the first two, but you lack the third; in fact, you have the opposite; you have a lot of negative emotions that you express to other people.
Because you have clarity and rationality on your side, you set out very clearly your ideas and the reasons for them, and then - if you do not get a good response - you get angry, frustrated and stressed. Now, it is okay to get angry, frustrated, and stressed, but you should NOT verbalise it!
You make the mistake of verbalising your negative emotions into the faces of other people. You get angry, you shout, you tell them they're wrong, you point your finger"
John said, "Because they're wrong, and they are stupid."
I explained, "John, when you say things like that to other people, you are guaranteed to get a bad result. When you verbalise anger, frustration, and annoyance, then you trigger the 'fight or flight' mechanism. Some people are fighters and they fight you; but The majority of people, do NOT like to fight, so they take flight.
Taking flight means that they will either leave the room or they put up mental barriers. They ignore everything you say.
By continually expressing your negative emotions you are creating the barriers you are experiencing."
"So, what's the answer?" John asked.
"Simple, stop doing it. Stop verbalising your negative emotions! Because every time you do, you get into a fight, or you create barriers.
If you can't be positive, then say nothing. Stop the conversation and try again later."
John said, "Thanks Chris, that was very helpful."
Leadership and Management Training
If you would like to learn more about how to get the best from yourself and others, please attend our two- day leadership and management training course.
About the Author: Chris Farmer
Chris Farmer is the founder of the Corporate Coach Group and has many years’ experience in training leaders and managers, in both the public and private sectors, to achieve their organisational goals, especially during tough economic times. He is also well aware of the disciplines and problems associated with running a business.
Over the years, Chris has designed and delivered thousands of training programmes and has coached and motivated many management teams, groups and individuals. His training programmes are both structured and clear, designed to help delegates organise their thinking and, wherever necessary, to improve their techniques and skills.
Blogs by Email
Do you want to receive an email whenever we post a new blog? The blogs contain article 5-10 minutes long - ideal for reading during your coffee break!
Further Reading in Conflict Management and Handling Difficult People
-
Dispute Resolution
People disagree. But, whatever the cause of a disagreement, a manager must learn how to handle it professionally, before it escalates into conflict and interferes with the business. Here are five common strategies for resolving disputes.
Read Article > -
How to Deal with Lazy People at Work
Working with a lazy person is not only frustrating, it can also mean that you have to take on their work as well as your own. Follow these key points to get them to do their share of the work.
Read Article > -
How to Handle a Difficult Person in Six Easy Steps
A simple six-step technique that will allow you to deal with argumentative people both at work and in your personal life.
Read Article > -
Top Ten Conflict Management Techniques
Your organisation needs people to cooperate. However, inevitably people disagree, which can lead to conflict situations. It is important to learn conflict management techniques, since conflicts are costly and disruptive.
Read Article > -
Dealing With Conflicts of Interest Within a Team
All employees should be working together to achieve the organisation's ultimate aim. Any conflicts of interest within teams must be resolved quickly. So what is the best method for dealing with conflicts within a team?
Read Article >
Looking for Conflict Management Training?
If you're looking to develop your Conflict Management and Handling Difficult People Skills, you may find this Conflict Management Training Course beneficial:
Open Training Course Pricing and Availability
Next Open Course Starts in 4 days, Gloucester (M5 J11), places available