Fixing Bad Relationships At Work

Fixing Bad Relationships at Work

Yesterday, I was at lunch with a friend called John, who told me that everything in his life was good, except work.

I asked him what he meant, and he replied, "I can't get on at work because I keep coming up against barriers; I've got barriers from my bosses who won't let me progress, and I've got barriers with my team who don't listen to me. It makes me really angry and frustrated, and I don't know what's wrong with them."

I said, "It's interesting that you say you don't know what's wrong with them; it could be that it's you that's creating the barriers."

John looked surprised and said, "What do you mean?"

I said, "John, I've known you a long time and I listen to the way you speak; and three of your favourite words are angry, frustrated, and stressed, all of which are negative emotions.

In order to be successful in any business, you need three qualities and you have only two of them. You are missing the third."

"What are the qualities I need, and which one am I missing?" John asked

I replied "The three qualities you need are clarity, rationality, and positivity. You have the first two, but you lack the third; in fact, you have the opposite; you have a lot of negative emotions that you express to other people.

Because you have clarity and rationality on your side, you set out very clearly your ideas and the reasons for them, and then - if you do not get a good response - you get angry, frustrated and stressed. Now, it is okay to get angry, frustrated, and stressed, but you should NOT verbalise it!

You make the mistake of verbalising your negative emotions into the faces of other people. You get angry, you shout, you tell them they're wrong, you point your finger"

John said, "Because they're wrong, and they are stupid."

I explained, "John, when you say things like that to other people, you are guaranteed to get a bad result. When you verbalise anger, frustration, and annoyance, then you trigger the 'fight or flight' mechanism. Some people are fighters and they fight you; but The majority of people, do NOT like to fight, so they take flight.

Taking flight means that they will either leave the room or they put up mental barriers. They ignore everything you say.

By continually expressing your negative emotions you are creating the barriers you are experiencing."

"So, what's the answer?" John asked.

"Simple, stop doing it. Stop verbalising your negative emotions! Because every time you do, you get into a fight, or you create barriers.

If you can't be positive, then say nothing. Stop the conversation and try again later."

John said, "Thanks Chris, that was very helpful."

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Definition: Positivity

Positivity is the work quality of steering each exchange towards solutions, using calm, respectful words, spreading hopeful energy that lifts team morale, and keeping an optimistic tone even when under pressure. The instant talk turns to blame, insults, or voiced anger, positivity disappears.

Article Summary

When conflict flares, pause and apply the three-step rule: frame ideas with clear words, back them with reason, and wrap them in positivity. Voice anger and you spark fight-or-flight; speak calm and walls fall.

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About the Author: Chris Farmer

Chris Farmer is the founder of the Corporate Coach Group and has many years' experience in training leaders and managers, in both the public and private sectors, to achieve their organisational goals, especially during tough economic times. He is also well aware of the disciplines and problems associated with running a business.

Over the years, Chris has designed and delivered thousands of training programmes and has coached and motivated many management teams, groups and individuals. His training programmes are both structured and clear, designed to help delegates organise their thinking and, wherever necessary, to improve their techniques and skills.

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Further Reading in Conflict Management and Handling Difficult People

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• Six rules for better conflict management
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• Is the Karpman Drama Triangle Good for Resolving Conflicts?
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